How To Like Yourself
Liking yourself sounds simple. Most people want to like themselves. Many people even feel like they should like themselves.
And yet, for a lot of us, it’s incredibly difficult.
In this post, I want to break down self-acceptance into two distinct parts:
Accepting the parts of yourself that are out of your control
Forgiving yourself for the parts that are in your control
Both are necessary. And both are harder than they seem.
Part 1: Accepting What You Never Chose
A huge amount of what people dislike about themselves has nothing to do with choice.
You didn’t choose:
Your height
Your appearance
Your voice
Your skin color
Your basic temperament
These things were either present at birth or heavily shaped by your environment. Judging yourself for them doesn’t just hurt—it doesn’t make sense.
Anyone who judges another person for something outside their control isn’t thinking rationally. If they were born into your body, your family, your circumstances, they would be exactly where you are now. Therefore it makes no sense to judge someone for what is out of our control.
Many of us carry shame not because something is wrong with us, but because someone else (who was thinking irrationally) decided it was.
So it’s safe to say we can take what they think with a grain of salt.
The Things You Think You Choose (But Don’t)
There are also parts of ourselves we think are choices, but really aren’t.
Take interests, for example.
Kids are often teased for what they like: art, music, hobbies, sports, shows. But ask yourself honestly:
Can you choose to like something you don’t like?
Think of a genre of music you dislike. Could you just decide—right now—to genuinely enjoy it? You can tolerate it. You can pretend. But you can’t force your nervous system to respond positively.
Interests can change over time, yes, but usually through experience, not willpower.
We don’t choose what resonates with us. We discover it. Our body and mind show us what we like. We have no choice, we must accept that.
And again anyone who would judge us for that is irrational.
How Judgment Teaches Us to Abandon Ourselves
Most people didn’t stop liking themselves because they were born self-critical. They stopped because they learned, very early on, that parts of them weren’t acceptable.
So they adapted.
They filtered themselves.
They muted themselves.
They learned how to fit in.
Sometimes it works. You gain approval. You gain acceptance.
But it comes at a cost.
If you have to constantly adjust yourself to be accepted, then the version of you that’s being accepted isn’t really you. And when the day ends, you’re left feeling hollow, like nothing inside you actually speaks back. And you can’t actually connect with these people because in reality you have nothing in common.
You can’t like yourself if you’re not allowed to be yourself.
What Self-Acceptance Actually Requires
Real self-acceptance isn’t about approving of everything you do. It’s about allowing yourself to experience yourself without immediate judgment.
Ask yourself:
What do I actually like?
What do I find interesting?
What makes me laugh?
What makes me uncomfortable?
What pulls my attention naturally?
Strip away what’s “cool.”
Strip away what’s expected.
Strip away what you think you should like.
If you were alone in a room with no one watching, what would you gravitate toward?
That’s where self-acceptance starts.
Why We Judge Others When We Can’t Accept Ourselves
When we can’t accept ourselves, judgment becomes a kind of armor for us. We start to judge others before they can judge us.
We tell ourselves if we can act normal, we can cast out people who are “more weird than us.” This gives us a very brief sensation of superiority.
But we don’t like that we judge do we? It feels icky and gross. So let’s stop doing it. If you can stop judging others, you’ll stop judging yourself so harshly.
Three Stages of Self-Acceptance
This isn’t research-based just a pattern I see with clients.
1. The Chameleon
Someone who constantly adapts to fit in. They seek approval of others above all else.
2. The Contrarian
Someone who defines themselves by being the opposite. This is a step forward, you’re willing to be judged, but it’s still reactive. You’re still defining yourself through others. Think if the person who puffs their chest and says “yea I like that band before they were popular.” They want people to know they are different, which is admirable, but it isn’t genuine. They are doing this for a reaction or for attention.
3. The Honest Self
Someone who asks, quietly and sincerely:
What do I actually like? What do I actually feel?
There’s no approval seeking or performative behavior here.
Part 2: Forgiving Yourself for What Is in Your Control
Now let’s talk about the harder part.
What if the reason you don’t like yourself is your behavior?
What if you’ve hurt people?
What if you’ve made decisions you regret?
First, the very fact that you are asking this question is meaningful. It means you have self-awareness, which is more than most.
Ask yourself honestly:
When did I make my worst decisions?
For most people, the answer is the same:
When they were overwhelmed
When they were grieving
When they were anxious or depressed
When they were in survival mode
People don’t usually make terrible decisions when they’re grounded and thriving. They make them when they’re in a dark place.
That doesn’t remove responsibility, but it opens a door for compassion.
Survival Mode Changes Behavior
When life becomes traumatic or overwhelming, your nervous system shifts into survival. Decisions made from survival are not the same as decisions made from safety.
If you put any human being into a situation where they feel trapped, threatened, or emotionally flooded, they will make imperfect, sometimes harmful, choices. This is just basic human behavior.
Learning from those moments is important. Punishing yourself forever for them is not.
Start treating yourself like someone who is worth something. Someone worth loving. If that seems impossible, as yourself “how would I speak to my best friend if they were going through this?” I doubt you would be harsh and punishing. You would hold them accountable, sure. But you would do it in a supportive and empathetic way.
Why Self-Punishment Backfires
We often believe that punishing ourselves will make us better people.
But constant self-punishment doesn’t improve behavior; it increases shame, resentment, and emotional reactivity. And that actually makes it more likely that we’ll hurt others again.
If you want to show up as your best self, forgiveness isn’t optional. It’s necessary, not just for you, but for the people in your life.
Unresolved anger toward yourself leaks outward toward the ones you love the most. It is your moral responsibility to forgive yourself.
The Role of Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are painful. But that pain is their to guide us, not punish us.
Think of them as information. They exist to help you self-correct. To learn. To grow.
But once the lesson is learned, the emotion has done its job.
If you let yourself feel guilt fully, without endlessly replaying it, it will pass. What keeps people stuck isn’t the emotion itself, but the mental recycling: replaying, analyzing, punishing.
Feel it. Learn from it. Make amends where possible and then move forward.
Final Takeaways
Practice being with yourself without judgment
Reconnect with interests you lost or suppressed
Let yourself enjoy what you enjoy, even if no one else gets it
Offer yourself forgiveness for decisions made during suffering
Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love
That’s what self-acceptance actually looks like.
