The 5 Mind Shifts That Helped Me Overcome Social Anxiety

For most of my life, social anxiety controlled everything.

It was hard for me to have small conversations. It was hard for me to simply order a sandwich at a deli.
I struggled doing basic things that many people take for granted.

If you struggle with social anxiety, you know how severe it can be. How overwhelmed you can feel not just in big moments, but in day-to-day life. It quietly, or loudly, shapes what you do, what don’t do, and how you see yourself.

In this post, I want to share five ideas or five mental shifts that helped me overcome social anxiety.

I can’t guarantee they’ll all click for you. I can’t guarantee they’ll “cure” anything.

But they helped me a great deal, and I hope at least one of them helps you too.

1. Judging Is Wrong, So Why Should I Value People Who Judge?

This was the first major shift for me.

I realized that a huge part of my anxiety came from my fear of being judged. But when I really sat with that fear, i noticed something:

I don’t respect people who judge others.

In fact, when I catch myself judging someon, especially for things outside their control, I feel bad about it. It feels mean and honestly I lose a little respect for myself.

So I asked myself a hard question:

Why am I so concerned about the opinions of people whose values I don’t even respect?

Most of the things we’re judged on are superficial:
How we look, how we talk, what we wear, what we gravitate towards. So in a sense not only did it feel mean, it felt irrational. How could I judge someone for something they can’t control?

And more importantll, I don’t actually believe those things determine someone’s worth.

So if someone judges me for them… why should I care?

I realized that when someone judges me, they are the one in the wrong, not me. That means I don’t have to fix anything. I don’t have to prove anything. I don’t have to carry the burden of their judgment behavior.

The anxiety I felt wasn’t my responsibility to solve for other people. It wasn’t my job to earn basic respect from those who were unwilling to give it.

2. Seeking Validation Is a Never-Ending Cycle

For most of my early life, I believed I needed other people’s approval to feel good about myself.

If people liked me, I felt okay. If they didn’t, I felt terrible.

So I spent years trying to be likable.

The problem? It never ends.

If you adjust yourself to make one person like you, you’ll have to change again for the next person. And the next. And the next. Every interaction becomes a performance, because you never know who you’re “supposed” to be.

It’s exhausting and it goes nowhere.

You might feel good for a moment after a positive interaction, but the next awkward moment wipes it all out. Your self-worth rises and falls based on who you talked to that day.

I started to realize there is no way I will gain confidence this way, so I had to throw the whole idea out.

Here’s the truth I had to accept:

You cannot get value from other people. You can only get value from yourself.

It stopped being my job to make people like me. My job was to learn how to like myself first and then find people who I liked spending time with.

3. Respect Is Not Earned — It Is Assumed

This idea goes against a lot of self-help advice, but it changed everything for me.

When I meet someone new, I don’t make them “earn” my respect. I start with respect, because they’re a person. If they do something that violates that, respect can be lost. But it doesn’t need to be earned upfront.

When you’re socially anxious, you often feel like you don’t deserve respect. So you walk into interactions trying to earn it; by impressing, pleasing, or changing yourself.

That puts you in a powerless position.

The truth is you deserve respect simply because you exist. You don’t need to prove that to anyone. And people who make you feel like you must prove it are not worth your time.

Trust me, I’ve tried those relationships, and they are exhausting.

This matters deeply if you’re working on exposure therapy or putting yourself into uncomfortable situations. You will make mistakes. You will have awkward moments. That’s part of learning.

But if you don’t assume basic self-respect, every misstep turns into an identity crisis.

Self-respect has to come first before anything else can grow.

4. You’re Not Awkward, You’re Anxious

For years, I thought I was awkward as a person, but I eventually realized something crucial:

The anxiety was causing the awkwardness, not the other way around.

When you’re anxious, you overthink. You monitor yourself. You get stuck in your head. That’s what makes conversations feel stiff and choppy.

It’s not a personality flaw.

Think about how you act around people you’re comfortable with; close friends, family, familiar environments. Conversations usually flow naturally. You don’t analyze every word.

The difference isn’t who you are, it’s how anxious you feel.

That means you don’t need to “fix” yourself. You don’t need to rebuild your personality from scratch. You just need to understand that anxiety interferes with how naturally you express yourself. That leads to the final shift.

5. Do Less, Not More

When you’re socially anxious, you feel pressure to perform.

Say the right thing.
Be funny.
Be interesting.
Be smooth.

That pressure is exactly what keeps you anxious.

Once you accept that you’re not inherently awkward, the goal becomes simpler:

Do less.

Drop the expectations.
Let go of the internal script.
Stop trying to manage how you’re coming across.

Learn to sit in silence.
Learn to listen.
Learn to be present.

When you stop forcing responses, your mind naturally generates them. You don’t have to “try” to be yourself, you already are yourself by definition.

If you feel quiet one night, be quiet. If you feel talkative another night, talk.

Confidence isn’t about how much you speak. It’s about how aligned you are with how you feel in that moment.

Some quiet people are deeply confident while some talkative people are deeply insecure. Talking less or more means nothing by itself.

So the next time you are in a social situation and you notice you are monitoring yourself and what you “should say,” take a pause. What if i just listened to what was around me?

What if I just took a minute to take in the sights and sounds around me? What would my mind produce? Maybe I’d notice a beautiful painting or a nailbiting sports game on TV.

Now instead of trying to “find something to say,” I simply have to listen to mind mind and express what comes to it. This is what it means to just BE yourself.

Final Thoughts

These five ideas helped me tremendously, but they may not resonate with everyone, and they’re not a guaranteed cure.

But if even one of them shifts how you see yourself, or how you relate to others, it can open the door to real change.

Social anxiety looks different for everyone, but just know you’re not alone in it.

The Hidden Behaviors That Keep Social Anxiety Alive

The Hidden Behaviors That Keep Social Anxiety Alive

If you struggle with social anxiety, there is a very good chance that you are doing things every single day that you believe are helping your anxiety, when in reality they are making your anxiety worse. We call these safety behaviors.

What Are Safety Behaviors

Safety behaviors are things we do to keep ourselves feeling safe in social situations. Or at least what we believe will keep us safe.

They are behaviors designed to reduce anxiety, prevent embarrassment, and manage how other people perceive us. They are not random habits. They are fear driven strategies that say, if I do this, maybe I will not feel as anxious. If I do this, maybe nothing bad will happen.

And in the short term, they often work. Anxiety goes down a little. Discomfort eases. You feel relieved.

But the relief is short lived and it often comes back stronger the next time.

There are two main categories of safety behaviors that show up in social anxiety.

Impression Based Safety Behaviors

Impression based safety behaviors are all about controlling how other people see you.

Instead of showing up as yourself, you show up as who you think the other person wants you to be. You talk about interests you think they will approve of. You avoid opinions that might be unpopular. You carefully choose your words. You edit yourself constantly.

On the outside, it looks like you are being polite or socially skilled. On the inside, it feels like you are performing.

You are not asking, what do I want to say. You are asking, what is the safest thing to say.

This can also relate to how you dress or present yourself. You may dress in very bland clothing because you don’t want to be flashy or stand out.

Avoidance Based Safety Behaviors

Avoidance based safety behaviors are about minimizing exposure.

• Sitting in the back of the class.

• Standing on the edge of a group.

• Avoiding eye contact. Staying quiet.

• Leaving early.

• Not raising your hand.

• Avoiding situations entirely.

These behaviors are designed to make you less visible and less noticeable. The logic is simple. If I am not seen, I cannot be judged.

Again, these behaviors often reduce anxiety in the moment. But they quietly reinforce the belief that being seen is dangerous.

Why Safety Behaviors Feel Necessary

The reason safety behaviors are so seductive is because they make sense when you are anxious.

When your nervous system is activated, your brain is not thinking about long term growth. It is thinking about immediate relief. It wants to lower the anxiety as fast as possible.

So you tell yourself things like, if I just sit in the back, I will feel better. If I do not say that joke, I will avoid embarrassment. If I manage how people see me, I will be safer.

And in the moment, you are right. Anxiety goes down.

But the problem is what happens next.

You leave the situation having learned nothing new. You did not test your fears. You did not grow. You did not build confidence.

You just survived.

And survival mode is not how anxiety gets better.

The Cycle That Keeps Social Anxiety Going

Here is the cycle most people with social anxiety get trapped in.

You enter a social situation. Anxiety rises. You use safety behaviors. Anxiety decreases temporarily. You leave the situation. Nothing changes.

Next time, anxiety comes back just as strong, or stronger, because your brain never learned that you were actually safe being yourself.

Safety behaviors feel protective, but they are fear based. And fear based strategies teach your brain one thing over and over again. You cannot handle being seen.

That is why research consistently shows that safety behaviors are one of the main drivers of ongoing social anxiety.

Problem One: You Never Allow Your Fears to Be Disproven

One of the biggest issues with safety behaviors is that they prevent disconfirmation.

Disconfirmation means proving your fear wrong through experience.

Let’s say your fear is that if you tell a joke, people will laugh at you. Or if you stand in the middle of the group, people will judge you. Or if you talk about what you really like, people will reject you.

If you censor yourself, avoid attention, or manage impressions, you never actually test that fear.

You walk away saying, nothing bad happened. But your brain adds a quiet footnote. Nothing bad happened because I played it safe.

So the fear remains intact.

This is why purely thinking your way out of social anxiety rarely works. You can tell yourself logically that people probably will not judge you, but logic alone does not convince the nervous system.

The brain needs lived evidence.

You need to experience, in your body, that even if you take a risk, the world does not collapse.

Safety behaviors rob you of that evidence.

Why Thought Challenging Alone Is Not Enough

In many forms of therapy, people are taught to challenge their thoughts. To look at the evidence. To ask whether their fears are realistic.

That can be helpful, but without action, it often falls flat.

You can think your way into a calmer state for a moment, but when the next social situation comes up, your body does not trust those thoughts. Because it has never seen proof.

Real learning happens through experience, not reassurance.

That is why overcoming social anxiety requires behavior change, not just insight.

Problem Two: You Never Learn How Resilient You Are

The second major issue with safety behaviors is that they prevent you from learning your own resilience.

Many people with social anxiety are convinced they could not handle embarrassment, rejection, or awkwardness. They believe it would be unbearable.

But how do you know that, if you never let yourself experience it?

Safety behaviors keep you from discovering that you might actually be stronger than you think.

Yes, embarrassment feels awful. Yes, rejection stings. No one enjoys it.

But avoiding all risk also prevents you from learning that you can survive discomfort, recover, and move forward.

You are not the same person you were when you were younger. You have more tools now. More perspective. More emotional capacity.

Safety behaviors keep you frozen in a self image that may no longer be true.

The Illusion of Fragility

Ironically, the more you avoid discomfort, the more fragile you feel.

When you never test your limits, your brain assumes those limits are permanent.

Resilience is not something you discover by staying comfortable. It is something you discover by taking small risks and realizing you lived through them.

Problem Three: Safety Behaviors Create a No Win System

This is the most subtle and destructive part of safety behaviors.

They trap you in a system where you cannot win.

Let’s say you use safety behaviors and have a bad interaction. Someone seems uninterested. The conversation feels awkward.

What do you tell yourself.

“Of course they did not like me. I am awkward. I am weird. I knew this would happen.”

Now let’s say you use safety behaviors and the interaction goes well.

Do you say, “Wow, maybe I am likable!”

No, that would be too easy.

Instead you say, “of course it went well. I was not being myself. They only liked the mask, not me.”

So either way, your self image remains negative.

You don’ get the evidence you need in order to change, you get the evidence that reconfirms your negative belief. This is self sabotage.

What to Do Instead of Safety Behaviors

The goal is not to throw yourself into the deep end or force yourself to be fearless. The goal is to gradually reduce safety behaviors and replace them with authenticity.

That starts with awareness.

Notice what you do to feel safe. Notice where you sit. How you speak. What you avoid. What you hide.

Then start asking gentle questions:

• What would it be like to take a small risk here?

• What would it be like to say one thing I actually think?

• What would it be like to let myself be seen just a little more?

Reframing Outcomes When You Are Still Masking

If you are still using safety behaviors and things go poorly, try this reframe.

They did not reject me, they only rejected my mask. They did not see the real me.

If things go well while you are masking, you do not have to force yourself to own it. Just acknowledge that it went well.

Then ask yourself if you can stretch with a little more authenticity next time.

Keep in mind that progress will be incremental, not over night.

What Happens When You Show Up Authentically

When you reduce safety behaviors and show up as yourself, something important changes.

If you are accepted, you can actually take it in. You can believe it. Because you were real.

If you are rejected, it hurts. There is no sugarcoating that.

But rejection is not proof that you are unworthy. It is information. It tells you this person is not your person.

The goal is not to be liked by everyone. The goal is to find the people who genuinely like you.

And you cannot do that if you are constantly hiding behind safety behaviors..

Learning to Respond to Rejection Differently

After rejection, your brain will want to spiral. It will want to replay the interaction and tear you apart.

Instead, try this.

Acknowledge that what you did was hard. Validate the effort. Name the pain without attacking yourself.

Can you acknowledge some pride for taking a risk, for doing something really difficult?

Growth is not about avoiding rejection. It is about learning that rejection does not define you.

The Path Forward

Overcoming social anxiety is not about eliminating fear. It is about learning that fear does not get to run your life.

Safety behaviors feel safe, but they keep you stuck.

Authenticity feels risky, but it leads to real connection.

And connection is what social anxiety has been protecting you from all along.

Putting Others On a Pedestal is Killing Your Confidence

Why Feeling “Below” Others Is the Real Engine of Social Anxiety

If you want to overcome social anxiety, and actually start feeling confident, you have to challenge a belief that quietly runs your entire inner world:

The belief that other people are better than you.

They’re not.

Other people are made of the same stuff as you. Literally and psychologically. As Carl Sagan famously said, “we’re all star stuff.” Same ingredients. Same biology. Same emotional machinery. There is nothing magical about other people.

Yet for many people with social anxiety, this belief doesn’t just exist, it feels obvious. Automatic. It seems like common sense.

And that belief is what is driving your social anxiety.

The Real Problem Isn’t Judgment, It’s Hierarchy

Social anxiety is often described as “fear of judgment.” But that explanation is incomplete.

At its core, social anxiety is about perceived hierarchy.

You don’t just worry about what people think, you feel beneath them. Less legitimate. Less important. Less allowed to take up space.

So when you enter a social situation, it feels like you’re being evaluated by people who are “above” you. People whose approval matters more than your own. People you feel you need to impress, perform for, or prove yourself to.

That pressure creates anxiety.

Not because you’re broken, but because you’ve placed yourself in a position where anxiety seems like the logical response.

If you genuinely believed other people were your equals, social situations wouldn’t feel like a test. They’d feel like geniuine interactions.

Where This Belief Starts

This idea that other people are on a different plane doesn’t start in adulthood. It starts early, often before you’re capable of questioning it.

Think about childhood.

When you’re little, adults don’t just have more experience, they’re treated as unquestionable authorities. Teachers, parents, coaches. You’re told things like:

• “Don’t question the teacher.”

• “Don’t make the teacher look bad.”

• “They know better than you.”

As a child, you don’t yet have the cognitive ability to contextualize that. You don’t think, This is just about classroom structure or authority roles.

You think, This person is above me.

Teachers can feel almost god-like when you’re young. They seem all-knowing. Infallible. I remember feeling like they don’t even have personal lives.

Then you grow up and eventually realize:
They’re just people who went to school to become teachers.

That’s it.

But emotionally, many of us never fully update that realization. We intellectually know people are “just people,” but we don’t feel it.

And that emotional lag follows us everywhere.

Arbitrary Standards We Never Question

As we get older, we stop idealizing teachers, but we replace them with new figures:

Athletes.
Actors.
Entrepreneurs.
Popular people.
The confident ones. The people who seem to have their lives together.

And we quietly ask the same question:

Are they better than me?

But pause for a moment and ask yourself honestly:

Is someone a better person because they’re good at pretending to be someone else on screen?

Is an athlete inherently more worthy because they can run faster or throw harder?

Do money, accolades, status, or recognition make someone more legitimate as a human being?

No, at least I don’t think so.

They make someone more visible. More rewarded. More recognized by society.

But visibility is not value.
Recognition is not worth.

Social anxiety thrives on confusing these things.

The Illusion of Knowing Other People

Another major issue: we don’t actually know the people we compare ourselves to.

We know what they present.

Especially on social media.

When you scroll through Instagram, TikTok, or LinkedIn, your brain does something subtle and dangerous:

It takes the best parts of 20 different people and merges them into one imaginary, perfect being.

Then it says:
Why aren’t you like this?

But that person doesn’t exist.

You’re comparing your full, unfiltered internal experience to a carefully curated external performance.

Of course you lose that comparison, it was rigged from the start.

Strengths, Weaknesses, and Selective Attention

Every person has strengths. Every person has weaknesses.

But social anxiety selectively filters reality.

You don’t see the confident person’s self-doubt.
You don’t see the successful person’s emptiness.
You don’t see the popular person’s fear of being irrelevant or alone.

You see their confidence, and assume it defines them.

Meanwhile, you see your insecurity and assume it defines you.

That’s not objectivity, that’s anxiety.

Borrowed Values Create Chronic Self-Judgment

Many people with social anxiety are comparing themselves based on values they never consciously chose.

Money.
Career milestones.
Status.
Social dominance.
Relationship timelines.

None of these are inherently bad, but they’re not inherently meaningful either.

If you measure yourself using someone else’s values, you will always feel behind.

Because you’re not playing your own game.

Most people with social anxiety have never been taught to sit down and ask:

• What do I actually care about?

• What matters to me?

• What kind of life feels meaningful to me?

Instead, their attention is locked outward; on perception, approval, and comparison.

And when your attention is always outward, confidence never gets a chance to form.

It’s time to ask yourself what your actual values are and what a meaningful life would look like.

Confidence Is Often About Circumstance, Not Character

Here’s something that doesn’t get said enough:

Confidence is not a personality trait.

It’s often a byproduct of early encouragement.

Many confident people were encouraged when they were young. They were allowed to speak up. They weren’t shamed for expressing themselves. They weren’t punished for taking up space.

That doesn’t make them superior, it just means they were better supported.

If you didn’t receive that encouragement, it doesn’t mean you’re flawed. It means you were deprived of something you deserved.

Giving Yourself What You Didn’t Get

If you didn’t get encouragement growing up, you’re often left waiting, consciously or unconsciously, for someone else to finally give it to you.

That doesn’t work because now you are reliant on other people’s validation, and that is fleeting and inconsistent.

It’s time to give yourself the support you missed out on.

What did you need to hear as a child? What would have encouraged you? What did you need to hear after making a mistake or accomplishing something important to you?

Social Anxiety Is a Status Problem

At its core, social anxiety says:

I am less than.

So you feel pressure to perform. To impress. To hide flaws. To prove your worth.

That pressure is the anxiety.

But here’s the truth:

There is nothing wrong with you.

You may have skills to develop.
You may feel behind in certain areas.
You may be learning later than others.

So what?

Development isn’t linear.
Timelines are arbitrary.
“Behind” is often a cultural myth, not a personal failure.

The truth is you don’t know the ins and outs of anyone else’s life.

If you were doing a science project you would collect all the date, account for all the variable before you settle on a conclusion.

The same applies with life. If you don’t know the advantages/disadvantages other people have, you are comparing apples to oranges.

Notice When You Put People on Pedestals

The next time you feel anxious around someone, pause and ask:

• Am I putting this person on a pedestal?

• Why do I feel the need to impress them?

• What am I assuming about their authority?

• What am I assuming about my worth?

Sometimes it’s attraction.
Sometimes it’s status.
Sometimes it’s something absurdly small, like what they wear.

Uniforms are a perfect example.

Psychologically, we assign authority to people in uniforms automatically. We behave differently around them. We defer, even when it makes no sense.

This isn’t a personal flaw, it’s human wiring.

Authority, Obedience, and Why This Matters

There’s a well-known psychology experiment that illustrates just how powerful perceived authority can be - The Milgram Study

Participants were instructed by someone wearing a lab coat—symbolizing authority—to administer what they believed were painful electric shocks to another person.

They could hear the person screaming.

They felt uncomfortable.

And yet, when the authority figure said, “Keep going,” most of them did.

Some people stopped. Some stepped back and said, This is wrong.

But most complied.

Not because they were bad people, but because the fear of authority influences us.

There are other famous demonstrations of this tendency.

In the famous Solomon Ashe Study , a person is asked to pick which drawn line is longer than the others. Simple enough.

What they don’t know is the other participants in the group are actors who are told to intentionally chose the shorter lines.

Due to peer pressure and confortmity, the majority of participants chose the shorter line simply out of fear and self doubt.

This is how human brains work, we have an instinct to fit in with the crowd.

Using Awareness Instead of Auto-Pilot

The goal isn’t to eliminate these instincts. That’s unrealistic.

The goal is to notice them.

When you start paying attention, you’ll catch yourself thinking:

• Why did I act differently around that person?

• Why was I trying to impress them?

• What did I assume they had something that I don’t?

Was it their confidence?
Their humor?
Their clothes?
Their social approval?

Ask yourself what’s actually happening.

Then peel back the layers.

Is it fear of authority?
Fear of not being liked?
Fear of being outcast?

Intimidation Is Information

Feeling intimidated by someone is uncomfortable and most people avoid admitting it to themselves.

But intimidation is valuable information.

It shows you exactly where you’re placing hierarchy.

When you notice it, ask:

• Why am I putting this person above me?

• Where did I learn to do that?

• Who taught me that I was “less than”?

For some people, that message came directly from parents or caregivers.

If that happened to you, hear this clearly:

That message was wrong.

You are not beneath other people and you don’t need to treat yourself like you are.

Equal Dignity Changes Everything

You don’t need to disrespect others to respect yourself.

The goal is equal dignity.

Treat others with respect.
Treat yourself with the same respect.

When you truly internalize this, not just intellectually, but emotionally, you stop looking up to people.

You stop performing.
You stop chasing approval.
You stop confusing authority with worth.

And when that happens, social anxiety loses its foundation.

Final Thought

You are no worse than anyone else.
You are no better than anyone else.

And that’s the point.

When you stop putting people on pedestals, you finally get to stand on solid ground.

Don’t Make Excuses For Your Social Anxiety

How Excuses Quietly Run Your Life

One of the most overlooked drivers of social anxiety isn’t fear itself, it’s excuses.

Not the obvious kind. Not lies you consciously tell yourself. But the small, reasonable-sounding explanations you use to justify staying comfortable and avoiding challenges.

“I should probably stay in tonight, I have work in the morning.”
“I’ve got a lot going on.”
“I’ll do it when I feel better.”
“Today’s just not the right day.”

None of these sound like fear. They sound responsible. Rational. Sensible.

That’s why they’re so effective.

When you struggle with social anxiety, your mind becomes incredibly skilled at producing reasons not to act. And the reasons aren’t random, they’re tailored perfectly to your life, your values, and your insecurities.

Sometimes it’s the weather.
Sometimes it’s work.
Sometimes it’s health, productivity, or timing.

The specific excuse doesn’t matter.

What matters is the function: avoidance.

And the dangerous part is that excuses don’t feel like avoidance in the moment. They feel like common sense.

Why Excuses Feel Rational (But Aren’t)

Most people think excuses are something we make after a process of rational decision making.

In reality, it usually works the other way around.

First comes the emotion:

• discomfort

• fear

• anxiety

• dread

Then comes the explanation.

The nervous system reacts first. The mind justifies second.

So instead of saying, “I’m afraid to go,” we say:
“I’m tired.”
“I need rest.”
“I have an early morning.”
“I should probably be productive tonight.”

And here’s the key point:

These explanations often contain a kernel of truth, which makes them even harder to challenge.

Yes, you are tired sometimes.
Yes, rest is important.
Yes, the weather can be miserable.

But the presence of truth doesn’t mean the decision is being driven by truth.

More often than not, these are emotional decisions that we later convince ourselves are rational.

And beneath most of them sits a feeling we don’t want to admit. because it feels embarrassing:

We are afraid. This is simply fear.

Fear of being around people.
Fear of being judged.
Fear of being seen.

The Shame Beneath the Excuse

Admitting fear is hard, not because it’s inaccurate, but because of what it seems to say about us.

“I’m afraid of people” feels humiliating.
“I care too much what others think” feels weak.
“I don’t feel comfortable being myself” feels shameful.

So instead of facing that discomfort, we create distance from it.

We don’t say, “I’m avoiding because I’m anxious.”
We say, “It just doesn’t make sense to go.”

And over time, something subtle happens.

The excuses stop feeling like excuses.
They start feeling like facts.

“Of course I’m not going out, I’m on a budget.”
“Of course I’m staying in, I could get sick from the cold.”

This is how avoidance becomes automatic.

Not because you don’t want to improve. Not because you don’t care.

But because your anxiety is protecting you from shame, from the possibility of feeling exposed, inadequate, or judged.

And unless this pattern is brought into awareness, it quietly runs your life.

Why Awareness Has to Come Before Action

A lot of people try to fix social anxiety by jumping straight into action:

• pushing themselves harder

• forcing exposure

• trying to “just do it”

That can work, but only if the pattern underneath is understood.

If you don’t recognize how excuses operate, you’ll end up fighting symptoms instead of changing the system that creates them.

This is why awareness is the first real step.

Not self-judgment.
Not self-criticism.
Just noticing.

Start paying attention to the reasons you give yourself not to act.

You don’t have to change anything yet.

Simply noticing interrupts the automatic nature of the pattern. It creates a gap between the urge and the behavior.

And that gap is where choice begins.

Anxiety Will Argue With You (Relentlessly)

One of the most frustrating parts of working on social anxiety is that your mind doesn’t cooperate.

It negotiates and rationalizes.

The moment you consider doing something uncomfortable, anxiety responds with urgency:

• “This isn’t the right time.”

• “You should wait until you feel better.”

• “There’s no point pushing yourself today.”

And when those arguments fail, it often gets louder.

This isn’t because you’re weak or resistant.

It’s because anxiety is a protective system, and change feels like a threat to it.

When you begin challenging avoidance, anxiety often increases before it decreases. That’s normal. Expected, even.

Understanding this prevents you from misinterpreting discomfort as failure or as a sign you are not up for the challenge.

Discomfort isn’t a sign you’re doing something wrong.
It’s a sign you’re doing something different.

What Progress Actually Looks Like

Progress with social anxiety is not dramatic. It’s not about sudden confidence or fearless behavior.

It’s gradual. Uneventful. Often boring.

Real progress looks like:

• doing slightly uncomfortable things consistently

• choosing “hard but doable” over “easy and safe”

• staying present instead of escaping

• allowing yourself to be seen without excessive control

This is where graded exposure comes in.

Instead of jumping to the hardest thing, you work within a reasonable range:

• not overwhelming

• not avoidant

• just challenging enough

You don’t need to force big conversations or dramatic social risks.

For some people, progress is simply being in public without hiding.
For others, it’s speaking when they normally wouldn’t.

The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety. The goal is to stop letting anxiety make all the decisions in your life.

The Cost of Always Having a “Good Reason”

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:

If you rely on excuses, you’ll always have one.

There will always be a reason not to go.
There will always be a reason to delay.
There will always be a reason to stay safe.

And one day, you may realize that you didn’t consciously choose your life, you let fear live it for you.

That realization can hurt, but it’s also empowering.

Because once you see the pattern, you’re no longer trapped inside it.

You don’t need to eliminate excuses, you need to see them for what they are. Write them down on a whiteboard to remind yourself.

Final Thoughts — Honesty Over Comfort

Social anxiety isn’t maintained by lack of insight.
Most people already know what they should do.

It’s maintained by fear, shame, and avoidance. Quietly reinforced by excuses that feel reasonable in the moment.

You don’t need to be fearless.
You don’t need to be perfect.
You don’t need to force yourself into situations you’re not ready for.

But you do need to be honest with yourself.

Honest about what’s actually driving your decisions.
Honest about when comfort is costing you growth.

Because the moment you stop protecting anxiety with excuses is the moment real change becomes possible.

How To Stop Being A People Pleaser - Listen To Your Anger

If you’re a people-pleaser, there’s a good chance you’ve learned, consciously or unconsciously, to suppress negative emotions. Especially anger.

Not just yelling-level anger, either. I’m talking about irritation. Annoyance. Frustration. That subtle internal “hey, I don’t like this” signal that pops up in everyday interactions.

And when you suppress that signal long enough, something dangerous happens.

You stop feeling like you’re allowed to be upset with other people.

You stop feeling like you’re allowed to be annoyed, disappointed, or frustrated. And once that happens, social situations become incredibly anxiety-provoking, not because you’re weak or overly sensitive, but because you no longer believe you are allowed to stand up for yourself.

Let’s talk about why this happens, why anger isn’t the enemy you were taught it was, and how learning to relate differently to anger can dramatically reduce social anxiety.

The “Nice Role” Trap

Many people-pleasers grow up believing, explicitly or implicitly, that being “nice” is the safest way to exist in relationships.

Nice means:

• Don’t upset anyone

• Don’t rock the boat

• Don’t make things awkward

• Don’t express negative emotions

• Don’t be difficult

Over time, this turns into a role you feel obligated to play.

You become hyper-aware of other people’s reactions. You constantly monitor facial expressions, tone changes, pauses in conversation. You’re always asking yourself:

• Did I say the wrong thing?

• Did that come off badly?

• Are they annoyed with me?

• How can I smooth this over?

The goal becomes simple: don’t ruffle feathers.

But here’s the problem.

If you’re always focused on making sure everyone else is comfortable, there’s no room left for your discomfort. And when discomfort shows up anyway, because it is inevitable, you turn it inward.

How Suppressed Anger Turns Into Anxiety

When people are taught that anger is bad, shameful, or dangerous, they don’t stop feeling anger.

They just stop recognizing it as anger.

Instead, it gets rerouted into:

• Anxiety

• Self-criticism

• Overthinking

• Rumination

• Shame

Every time you feel irritated, annoyed, or frustrated, you don’t think:

“Something here isn’t working for me.”

You think:

“Why am I like this?”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“How is this going to affect the other person?”

So now every negative emotion becomes about you; your flaws, your reactions, your perceived failures. Rather than about what’s actually happening in the situation.

This is where social anxiety really starts to take over. Because when you’re not allowed to feel angry at other people, the only place left to aim that emotion is inward.

The Lie We’re Taught About Anger

From an early age, many of us are taught a very simple, but very damaging, lesson:

Anger is bad.

In this context, anger means you’re:

• Mean

• Aggressive

• Out of control

• Difficult

• A problem

So when anger shows up, we judge it immediately.

We judge ourselves for feeling it. We tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel that way. We push it down. We try to “be mature” or “be the bigger person.” All of this doubts leads to uncertainty and anxiety.

But the truth is”

Anger is not a moral failing.

Anger is not a personality flaw.

Anger is not proof that you’re a bad person.

Anger is simply information.

Emotions Are Information, Not Instructions

Every emotion, pleasant or unpleasant, exists for a reason. Emotions evolved to give us information about our environment and help us respond appropriately.

Fear tells you there may be danger.
Sadness tells you there may be loss.
Joy tells you something is rewarding.

And anger?

Anger tells you:

Something here feels wrong, unfair, threatening, or boundary violating.

That’s not bad , that’s useful.

To understand this, consider this example.

If a mother sees her child drowning at the beach, she doesn’t stop to think:

“What will people think if I act erratically?”

She acts instantly.

If someone tries to take her child on the street, she doesn’t pause to consider whether expressing anger is appropriate. She reacts, forcefully, because her anger is giving her critical information:

Something is wrong. Do something.

In those moments, anger isn’t destructive. It’s protective.

Now obviously, most social situations aren’t life-or-death. But the function of anger doesn’t change just because the stakes are lower. Anger is still information.

Why Suppressing Anger Makes You Feel Unsafe

Here’s something people pleasers often don’t realize:

When you suppress anger, you remove your ability to protect yourself emotionally.

If you don’t feel allowed to get annoyed or frustrated then you have no foundation to stand up for yourself someone does cross a boundary.

And that uncertainty is terrifying.

This is why people with social anxiety often feel:

• Smaller than others

• Powerless in conversations

• Afraid of confrontation

• Afraid of being taken advantage of

It’s not because they’re weak. It’s because they don’t feel like they have tools. Or worse, they don’t feel like they are even allowed to have tools.

Anger, when understood and used properly, is one of the most powerful tools.

Feeling Anger Doesn’t Mean Acting Aggressively

One of the biggest fears people have around anger is this idea that it’s all-or-nothing.

That if you “allow” anger, you’ll:

• Explode

• Yell

• Lash out

• Hurt someone

• Lose control

But that’s a false dichotomy.

There’s a massive difference between feeling anger and acting aggressively.

You don’t have to scream. You don’t have to insult anyone. You don’t have to get physical.

Often, expressing anger can be as simple as saying:

• “I’m feeling frustrated right now.”

• “That bothered me.”

• “I’m annoyed about what just happened.”

• “Something didn’t sit right with me.”

That’s not aggression, that’s simply communication.

If You Didn’t Learn This Growing Up, It Makes Sense

Many people never learned how to express anger in a healthy way.

If, growing up:

• Anger was punished

• Anger led to conflict

• Anger caused withdrawal, rejection, shame or guilt

• Anger was mocked or minimized

Then of course you learned to suppress it.

Your nervous system learned:

Anger = danger.

So even now, as an adult, the idea of expressing frustration can feel terrifying, not because it’s actually unsafe, but because your body learned it was.

That doesn’t mean you’re broken, it means you adapted. But now you get to relearn how useful it can be.

Step One: Allow the Feeling (Before You Express It)

If expressing anger feels like too big of a leap right now, that’s okay.

The first step is much simpler, but just as important:

Allow yourself to feel angry without judging yourself.

That’s it.

When anger shows up, don’t immediately shut it down.
Don’t tell yourself it’s bad. Don’t label yourself as dramatic or unreasonable.

Just notice it.

Say internally:

“I’m feeling angry.”

Not:

“I shouldn’t feel this way.”

This alone can dramatically reduce anxiety, because you’re no longer fighting your own emotional experience.

Step Two: Get Curious, Not Judgmental

Once you allow the feeling, the next step is understanding it.

Ask yourself:

• What happened here?

• What am I reacting to?

• What felt unfair, dismissive, or uncomfortable?

But here’s the key: ask with curiosity, not criticism.

Not:

“Why am I so sensitive?”

But:

“Why did that affect me?”

Not:

“What’s wrong with me?”

But:

“What might this emotion be pointing to?”

Sometimes you’ll realize your anger makes sense.
Sometimes you’ll realize you misinterpreted something.
Sometimes it’ll be a mix.

But you can’t figure that out if you never allow the feeling in the first place.

Step Three: Use Anger as Communication

Eventually, when you’re ready, anger becomes something you can share, not suppress.

Healthy anger opens dialogue.

It sounds like:

• “When that happened, I felt frustrated.”

• “I might be misreading this, but that came off as dismissive.”

• “Can we talk about what just happened?”

Notice what this does.

You’re not attacking.
You’re not blaming.
You’re not assuming malicious intent.

You’re saying:

“This is my experience. Let’s figure it out together.”

That’s how healthy relationships work.

Why This Is Especially Important for Social Anxiety

When you allow yourself to feel and express anger appropriately, something powerful happens:

You stop feeling helpless.

You start to feel like:

• You can speak up

• You can set boundaries

• You can protect yourself

• You don’t have to tolerate everything

And when you feel capable of protecting yourself, social situations stop feeling so dangerous.

Your anxiety decreases not because everyone suddenly becomes nicer, but because you trust yourself more.

To Recap: Anger Is a Tool, Not a Threat

Anger helps you:

• Understand your boundaries

• Communicate discomfort

• Recognize mistreatment

• Advocate for yourself

When you take that tool away, anxiety fills the gap.

So the next time anger shows up, don’t judge it. Don’t suppress it. Don’t fear it.

Let it be what it is:

Information.

Information you can explore.
Information you can communicate.
Information that helps you understand yourself better.

And the more you do that, the less power social anxiety has over you.

How To Like Yourself

Liking yourself sounds simple. Most people want to like themselves. Many people even feel like they should like themselves.

And yet, for a lot of us, it’s incredibly difficult.

In this post, I want to break down self-acceptance into two distinct parts:

1. Accepting the parts of yourself that are out of your control

2. Forgiving yourself for the parts that are in your control

Both are necessary. And both are harder than they seem.

Part 1: Accepting What You Never Chose

A huge amount of what people dislike about themselves has nothing to do with choice.

You didn’t choose:

• Your height

• Your appearance

• Your voice

• Your skin color

• Your basic temperament

These things were either present at birth or heavily shaped by your environment. Judging yourself for them doesn’t just hurt—it doesn’t make sense.

Anyone who judges another person for something outside their control isn’t thinking rationally. If they were born into your body, your family, your circumstances, they would be exactly where you are now. Therefore it makes no sense to judge someone for what is out of our control.

Many of us carry shame not because something is wrong with us, but because someone else (who was thinking irrationally) decided it was.

So it’s safe to say we can take what they think with a grain of salt.

The Things You Think You Choose (But Don’t)

There are also parts of ourselves we think are choices, but really aren’t.

Take interests, for example.

Kids are often teased for what they like: art, music, hobbies, sports, shows. But ask yourself honestly:

Can you choose to like something you don’t like?

Think of a genre of music you dislike. Could you just decide—right now—to genuinely enjoy it? You can tolerate it. You can pretend. But you can’t force your nervous system to respond positively.

Interests can change over time, yes, but usually through experience, not willpower.

We don’t choose what resonates with us. We discover it. Our body and mind show us what we like. We have no choice, we must accept that.

And again anyone who would judge us for that is irrational.

How Judgment Teaches Us to Abandon Ourselves

Most people didn’t stop liking themselves because they were born self-critical. They stopped because they learned, very early on, that parts of them weren’t acceptable.

So they adapted.

They filtered themselves.
They muted themselves.
They learned how to fit in.

Sometimes it works. You gain approval. You gain acceptance.

But it comes at a cost.

If you have to constantly adjust yourself to be accepted, then the version of you that’s being accepted isn’t really you. And when the day ends, you’re left feeling hollow, like nothing inside you actually speaks back. And you can’t actually connect with these people because in reality you have nothing in common.

You can’t like yourself if you’re not allowed to be yourself.

What Self-Acceptance Actually Requires

Real self-acceptance isn’t about approving of everything you do. It’s about allowing yourself to experience yourself without immediate judgment.

Ask yourself:

• What do I actually like?

• What do I find interesting?

• What makes me laugh?

• What makes me uncomfortable?

• What pulls my attention naturally?

Strip away what’s “cool.”
Strip away what’s expected.
Strip away what you think you should like.

If you were alone in a room with no one watching, what would you gravitate toward?

That’s where self-acceptance starts.

Why We Judge Others When We Can’t Accept Ourselves

When we can’t accept ourselves, judgment becomes a kind of armor for us. We start to judge others before they can judge us.

We tell ourselves if we can act normal, we can cast out people who are “more weird than us.” This gives us a very brief sensation of superiority.

But we don’t like that we judge do we? It feels icky and gross. So let’s stop doing it. If you can stop judging others, you’ll stop judging yourself so harshly.

Three Stages of Self-Acceptance

This isn’t research-based just a pattern I see with clients.

1. The Chameleon

Someone who constantly adapts to fit in. They seek approval of others above all else.

2. The Contrarian

Someone who defines themselves by being the opposite. This is a step forward, you’re willing to be judged, but it’s still reactive. You’re still defining yourself through others. Think if the person who puffs their chest and says “yea I like that band before they were popular.” They want people to know they are different, which is admirable, but it isn’t genuine. They are doing this for a reaction or for attention.

3. The Honest Self

Someone who asks, quietly and sincerely:
What do I actually like? What do I actually feel?

There’s no approval seeking or performative behavior here.

Part 2: Forgiving Yourself for What Is in Your Control

Now let’s talk about the harder part.

What if the reason you don’t like yourself is your behavior?
What if you’ve hurt people?
What if you’ve made decisions you regret?

First, the very fact that you are asking this question is meaningful. It means you have self-awareness, which is more than most.

Ask yourself honestly:

When did I make my worst decisions?

For most people, the answer is the same:

• When they were overwhelmed

• When they were grieving

• When they were anxious or depressed

• When they were in survival mode

People don’t usually make terrible decisions when they’re grounded and thriving. They make them when they’re in a dark place.

That doesn’t remove responsibility, but it opens a door for compassion.

Survival Mode Changes Behavior

When life becomes traumatic or overwhelming, your nervous system shifts into survival. Decisions made from survival are not the same as decisions made from safety.

If you put any human being into a situation where they feel trapped, threatened, or emotionally flooded, they will make imperfect, sometimes harmful, choices. This is just basic human behavior.

Learning from those moments is important. Punishing yourself forever for them is not.

Start treating yourself like someone who is worth something. Someone worth loving. If that seems impossible, as yourself “how would I speak to my best friend if they were going through this?” I doubt you would be harsh and punishing. You would hold them accountable, sure. But you would do it in a supportive and empathetic way.

Why Self-Punishment Backfires

We often believe that punishing ourselves will make us better people.

But constant self-punishment doesn’t improve behavior; it increases shame, resentment, and emotional reactivity. And that actually makes it more likely that we’ll hurt others again.

If you want to show up as your best self, forgiveness isn’t optional. It’s necessary, not just for you, but for the people in your life.

Unresolved anger toward yourself leaks outward toward the ones you love the most. It is your moral responsibility to forgive yourself.

The Role of Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame are painful. But that pain is their to guide us, not punish us.

Think of them as information. They exist to help you self-correct. To learn. To grow.

But once the lesson is learned, the emotion has done its job.

If you let yourself feel guilt fully, without endlessly replaying it, it will pass. What keeps people stuck isn’t the emotion itself, but the mental recycling: replaying, analyzing, punishing.

Feel it. Learn from it. Make amends where possible and then move forward.

Final Takeaways

• Practice being with yourself without judgment

• Reconnect with interests you lost or suppressed

• Let yourself enjoy what you enjoy, even if no one else gets it

• Offer yourself forgiveness for decisions made during suffering

• Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love

That’s what self-acceptance actually looks like.

Why Social Anxiety Feels So Hard to Overcome: You’re Not Just Anxious — You’re Ashamed

Social Anxiety Shame Spiral: Why You Feel Like You “Can’t Win” (And the One Rule That Finally Breaks the Cycle)

If you’ve ever walked into a party, a work event, a family gathering, or even a casual hangout and felt your whole and mind freeze, you probably know this cycle.

You prepare yourself ahead of time.

You rehearse the plan in your head:

• “This is the day I’m going to talk to someone.”

• “I’m not going to be the awkward person in the corner.”

• “I’m going to finally be confident.”

And then you get there and your nervous system takes over.

You freeze.
You stay quiet.
You sit in the corner.
You avoid eye contact.
You do nothing… not because you don’t want connection, but because you’re afraid of being judged.

And then you go home and the fear turns into something worse:

Shame.

You don’t just feel anxious anymore.
You feel weak. You feel pathetic. You feel like you failed.
And the self-talk starts:

• “What is wrong with you?”

• “You’re a loser.”

• “You can’t even do one simple thing.”

This is one of the most brutal parts of social anxiety: no matter what you do, it can feel like you lose.

And when you’re trapped in that loop, it’s not just the anxiety you’re fighting; it’s the shame that tortures you at home.

This post is about why that happens, why it makes social anxiety feel impossible to overcome, and the mindset shift that finally breaks the cycle.-

The Worst Part is The Aftermath

For many people, social anxiety is not only the fear of being judged. It’s the emotional aftermath.

It’s the feeling that your anxiety itself is proof that something is wrong with you.

Social anxiety often comes with a kind of internal logic that sounds like this:

• “If I freeze, that means I’m weak.”

• “If I’m quiet, that means I’m boring.”

• “If I’m nervous, that means everyone can tell.”

• “If the interaction is awkward, that means I’m awkward.”

And when you believe those things, your brain turns every social situation into a high-stakes evaluation of your worth and that’s why the shame hits so hard after.

Not because you did something unforgivable, but because you interpret one moment as and indictment on your character.

You don’t think, “I struggled.” You think, “This is who I am.”

The Shame Trap: No Matter What You Do, You Feel Like You Failed

One reason social anxiety can feel so impossible is because it sets up a game you cannot win.

Here’s what that trap often looks like:

Scenario 1: You Don’t Talk

You go to the event. You freeze. You avoid. You stay quiet.

Then you go home and shame says:

“You didn’t step up. You’re pathetic. You’re weak.”

Scenario 2: You Do Talk (But It’s Messy)

You muster courage. You force yourself to talk to someone.

But you’re rusty. You’re anxious. You sweat. You stumble. You feel clunky. It feels awkward.

Then you go home and shame says:

“See? You’re embarrassing. You’re a mess. You can’t socialize.”

Scenario 3: You Talk and It Goes Fine

Even when it goes relatively well, social anxiety can still cloud your thinking.

Instead of absorbing the positive moment, your mind says:

“They were just being nice.”
“They just pity me.”
“They could tell I was nervous.”

And then shame says:

“Even your ‘good’ interactions are fake.”

This is the social anxiety shame spiral in its purest form:

• If you don’t try, you hate yourself.

• If you do try and it’s awkward, you hate yourself.

• If it goes well, you don’t believe it, and you still hate yourself.

That’s why it feels endless. Because if your success is measured by “Did I seem confident?” or “Did it go perfectly?” then social anxiety will always find a way to label the moment as failure.

Why You Freeze in the First Place (And Why It’s Not Weakness)

Freezing isn’t a character flaw.

It’s a nervous system response.

When you’re socially anxious, your brain can interpret social interaction like a threat:

• If I’m judged, I’m rejected.

• If I’m rejected, no one will want me.

• If Ino one wants me, I’ll end up alone.

That may sound dramatic, but the body doesn’t respond logically, it responds automatically.

And when the threat response activates, the body has a few main options:

• Fight

• Flight

• Freeze

• Fawn

Many socially anxious people freeze because it’s the safest option their nervous system knows.

So if you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why couldn’t I just speak?” the answer is often:

Because your body was protecting you the only way it knew how. It’s time we show ourselves a little compassion and empathy.

The Shift That Breaks the Cycle: “As Long As I Try, I Win”

Here’s the mindset shift that actually changes the game:

If I showed up and tried something hard, that counts as success, no matter how it went.

This is the moment where progress begins.

Not when you become smooth. Not when you stop feeling nervous. Not when your conversations are flawless. The truth is you are new to this.

You’re going to feel anxious for a while and you’re going to be clunky for a while.

But when you decide:

I am not measuring my worth by the outcome anymore.

Because when social anxiety runs the scoreboard, it rigs the game.

So you change the rules.

Instead of asking:

• “Did I seem confident?”

• “Did they like me?”

• “Was I awkward?”

You ask:

• “Did I try?”

• “Did I show up?”

• “Did I do something hard?”

That’s it.

And this works for a specific reason:

It removes the trap of expectations.

Why “Lowering Expectations” Actually Reduces Anxiety

One of the biggest drivers of social anxiety is performance pressure.

You’re not just trying to connect — you’re trying to prove something:

• prove you’re not awkward

• prove you’re not weird

• prove you’re not embarrassing

• prove you belong

That’s an impossible goal, because you can’t control people’s perceptions.

But when you shift the goal to effort:

• You regain control

• You create a fair game

• You can finally win and feel good about something.

This doesn’t mean you stop caring about growth.

It means you stop using shame as your motivator. After all shame can’t motivate, it can only tear us down.

A Practical Way to Use This at Your Next Social Event

If you want to apply this mindset in real life, keep it extremely simple.

Step 1: Pick One Tiny Action

Not ten actions. Not “be confident.”

One action.

Examples:

• Say hello to one person

• Ask one question

• Make one comment

• Stay for 20 minutes

• Start one conversation, even briefly

Step 2: Decide the Win Condition Ahead of Time

Your only goal is the action.

“If I ask one question, I win.”

Not:

• “If they respond enthusiastically”

• “If I don’t blush”

• “If I sound smooth”

Just:

• “Did I do the thing?”

Step 3: Expect It to Feel Awkward

Awkward doesn’t mean failure.

Awkward often means:

• you’re trying

• you’re practicing

• you’re building the skill

• you’re stretching your comfort zone

Step 4: Refuse the Shame Debrief at Home

Afterward, your anxious brain will try to run the old ritual:

• replay

• analyze

• criticize

• punish

Instead, you interrupt it with a statement like:

“I’m not reviewing this tonight. I tried. That’s enough.” We don’t try to solve them, we create a different relationship with our thoughts. I

f you want to learn more about this click here.

“But What If It Goes Bad?”

This is the fear that keeps people stuck:

“If it goes badly, it proves I’m hopeless.”

But “bad” social moments don’t prove hopelessness.

They prove you’re human.

They prove you’re learning.

They prove you’re doing the hard thing.

And if you keep showing up, something important happens over time:

Your brain starts associating social exposure with survivability rather than catastrophe.

Not because it goes perfectly, but because you didn’t die from it. That’s how the nervous system learns safety.

Remember even the best comedians in the world bomb from time to time.

Why This Builds Real Confidence

Confidence isn’t the absence of fear.

Confidence is:

• the ability to act while afraid

• the ability to tolerate imperfection

• the ability to recover without self-destruction

When you measure success by trying, you create a new identity:

“I’m someone who shows up.”

That identity grows and the more it grows, the less power shame has.

The Takeaway

If social anxiety has made you feel like you can’t win, you’re not imagining it.

When shame is keeping score, you lose no matter what.

So you change the game.

The goal isn’t to be smooth, funny or confident.

The goal is simple:

Show up. Do the hard thing. Count that as enough.

Even if it goes poorly.
Even if you sweat.
Even if you stumble.
Even if you feel awkward.

Because the real win is this:

You stop being ashamed of trying and now shame loses it’s power.

Why You Can’t Stop Replaying Awkward Moments (And How To Break the Cycle)

You just had a social interaction — and now you’re home, stuck in your head.

You keep replaying it over and over:

• Did I say something stupid?

• Did I embarrass myself?

• They looked uninterested, did they not like me?

• Why did they make that face?

No matter how much you analyze it, nothing gets resolved. Instead, it spirals. Hours pass. Sometimes days. Sometimes weeks. All over one conversation.

If this happens to you, you’re not broken.
You’re stuck in rumination.

Why Social Anxiety Turns Reflection Into Obsession

After an awkward or uncomfortable interaction, most people reflect briefly and move on. People with social anxiety don’t.

The difference isn’t intelligence or insight, it’s how the anxious brain relates to uncertainty.

When you have social anxiety:

• Your mind treats social discomfort as a problem to solve

• Rumination feels necessary, not optional

• Obsessing feels like protection

It feels like:

If I don’t figure this out, I’ll keep embarrassing myself forever.

But here’s the hard truth:
Rumination doesn’t prevent future mistakes, it trains your brain hyper-fixate on anything.

The Most Important Reframe: Rumination Is the Problem

One of the most important mental shifts is this:

The rumination itself is the problem — not the interaction. When you’re caught in it, rumination feels productive. It feels responsible. It feels like self-improvement.

But if it worked, it would have worked by now.

Instead, it:

• Increases anxiety

• Reinforces negative self-beliefs

• Keeps you hyper-focused on yourself

• Makes future interactions harder

Why Your Brain Won’t Let It Go

There are three main drivers behind post-social rumination:

1. The Need for Certainty

You want to know:

• Do they like me?

• Did I seem weird?

• Did I mess up?

But social situations do not offer certainty. Other people’s thoughts are unknowable… no amount of thinking will change that.

So your brain keeps digging… but finds nothing.

2. Negative Self-Beliefs

Underneath the rumination is often a belief like:

• I’m awkward

• I’m unlikable

• There’s something wrong with me

The brain scans the interaction for proof. And when you already believe something is wrong, everything becomes evidence. Even if you weren’t weird or awkward, you wouldn’t believe it would you?

3. Emotional Fusion

When you’re anxious, there’s no separation between:

• Thoughts

• Feelings

• Identity

If you think you were embarrassing, it feels true, so it must be true.

The Skill That Actually Breaks the Cycle: Separation

The biggest difference between people who move on from rumination and those who don’t is not thought-challenging.

It’s metacognitive awareness; becoming aware of the thinking itself.

Instead of:

I embarrassed myself.

You practice:

I notice I’m having the thought that I embarrassed myself.

That small shift creates space.

You are no longer inside the thought, you’re observing it.

Why You Can’t Think Your Way Out

You’re not a reliable narrator when you’re anxious.

Memory is distorted by:

• Emotional intensity

• Negative bias

• Fear of rejection

Just because your mind tells a convincing story doesn’t mean it’s accurate. Recognizing this doesn’t fix the anxiety, but it weakens the grip. IT also weakens the grip between what you believe and what is true.

Learning to Tolerate Uncertainty

The exit ramp from rumination is not reassurance, it’s uncertainty tolerance. Don’t call your friends asking what they thought. Don’t go back into that unreliable memory bank. Don’t reread those texts you sent.

Instead say:

• I don’t know what they thought.

• I don’t know if it was awkward.

• I don’t know, and I can live with that.

This is uncomfortable, but it’s the muscle that reduces obsession.

The Role of Self-Compassion

People often think self-compassion means:

• Excusing behavior

• Being fake-positive

• Letting yourself off the hook

It doesn’t.

Self-compassion means:

• Mistakes don’t define you

• Understanding you are not awkward, you are anxious

• Understanding criticism hasn’t helped, so why keep using it?

The Bottom Line

You’re not obsessed because you’re broken. You’re obsessed because you’re anxious. Whether you made a mistake or not is irrelevant. We all make mistake. We simply need to change our relationship with how we deal with mistakes so we can move on from the clutches of rumination. That requires awareness, distance and self-compassion.

Can You Fake It (Confidence) Until You Make It?

If you struggle with your confidence, you’ve probably asked yourself this question more than once:

Can I really fake my way into confidence?

It’s advice that gets repeated constantly by friends, family, coworkers, and even well-meaning professionals. If you’re shy, nervous, awkward, or anxious around people, you’re often told to just pretend to be confident. To push yourself out of your comfort zone.

But for many people, this advice doesn’t land well. Instead of feeling empowering, it can feel empty. It feels like you’re putting on an act that will never stick.

Why “Fake It Till You Make It” Feels So Frustrating

A common experience with social anxiety looks like this:

You force yourself into social situations.
You act confident.
You get through it.

And then… nothing changes.

The next time you go out, you feel just as anxious, embarrassed, and self-conscious as before. It can feel like you have to fake it every single time, which naturally leads to an important question:

If I have to fake it forever, is this actually helping?

For most people, faking confidence doesn’t build confidence, it builds exhaustion and confusion.

Acting Confident vs. Feeling Confident

A major problem with the “fake it till you make it” mindset is that it focuses almost entirely on behavior, while ignoring what’s happening internally.

Social anxiety isn’t just about what you do, it’s about how you feel while you’re doing it.

When you feel anxious, scared, or embarrassed in social situations your mind shuts down any possibility of authenticity, because it believes authenticity is danger. We believe that if we acted ourselves, we would get humiliated. Deep down we are ashamed of who we are so we believe we must cover it up. So, we are already wearing a mask. We wear the mask that makes us feel safe. We say the thing we think the other people will accept or like rather than saying what we truly feel. Or perhaps we don’t know what we want so say because we are so overwhelmed with anxiety.

This is why it feels fake. We already feel fake inside. We know we are putting on a mask. So simply puffing out our chest and holding eye contact won’t make us feel and more confident about who we are and how we are coming across. You may look confident on the outside but feeling deeply anxious on the inside and you feel you have learned nothing new about yourself… because it wasn’t “you” to begin with.

“If I’m Not Me, How Do I Learn to Accept Myself?”

Now you start to question your identity. If confidence requires you to become someone else, where does self-acceptance fit in?

If I have to put on an act every time I go out, I’m not really being myself.

Instead of learning confidence, you learn to monitor yourself and to perform for others. That’s not confidence, that’s survival.

When Fake It Till You Make It Can Work

Here’s the nuance that often gets missed:

Feeling uncomfortable does not automatically mean you’re faking it.

When you try something new, especially something far outside your comfort zone, it will feel unnatural at first. That doesn’t mean it’s fake. It means it’s unfamiliar.

Think about learning a new skill. If you sat down at a piano for the first time and were asked to perform in front of an audience, you’d feel terrified. You’d feel like an imposter. That wouldn’t mean you could never become a pianist, it would just mean you’re new.

Social confidence works the same way.

Discomfort Is Not the Same as Inauthenticity

One of the most important distinctions for social anxiety is this:

Uncomfortable ≠ fake

If you:

• Feel nervous starting conversations

• Feel awkward making eye contact

• Feel afraid to speak your mind

That doesn’t mean those behaviors are fake. It means they’re new. Let’s be honest, if you struggle with your confidence, you probably don’t speak up much, so when you do it doesn’t feel like something “you would do.” But we don’t know what “you would do” because we don’t know who you are yet. Confidence develops when our behavior is aligned with who you would be without anxiety, not who you think you’re supposed to be.

A Better Question to Ask Yourself

Instead of asking:

How do I act confident?

Try asking:

Who would I be if I didn’t have anxiety?

This may be hard at first. You may not be able to conceive of a version of you that isn’t anxious, but sit with it for a minute. Ask yourself:

What would I talk about?
What do I actually find funny?
What interests would you share with the world?

If we can answer these questions we get a sense of who you are and who you want to be. No more faking. We’re not trying to be someone else. We’re not stealing lines from movies. We’re getting a sense of our ideal self and now we just have to put it into action. That is not faking, that is growing into who you actually are and letting others see it. So, we will “fake” being ourselves while it feels uncomfortable, until eventually it will feel comfortable.