8 Things You Should Not Do If You Have Social Anxiety
Social anxiety can be incredibly frustrating. You want to connect with people, live your life, and feel comfortable in social situations, but the anxiety keeps pulling you back. If you want a deeper look at what social anxiety is and how it develops, I break that down here.
What makes social anxiety especially difficult is that many of the strategies people use to cope with it actually make it worse over time. The behaviors that help you feel better in the moment often reinforce the fear in the long run.
In this article, I want to walk through eight common traps people with social anxiety fall into. These are patterns I see frequently: things people do because they’re trying to calm themselves down, protect themselves from embarrassment, or avoid discomfort.
But if you want to move through social anxiety, these are the habits you need to be careful about.
1. Don’t Make Excuses for Your Social Anxiety
One of the most common things people do with social anxiety is hide it from themselves.
Because social anxiety often carries shame or embarrassment, people don't want to admit that they’re afraid of social situations. Instead, they create excuses.
Someone might invite them to a party and instead of saying to themselves:
“I’m afraid to go because I might embarrass myself.”
They tell themselves something like:
“I just don’t like parties.”
“I’m not really a people person.”
“I’m more of a homebody.”
Now, sometimes those things are true. Some people genuinely prefer quiet environments or smaller social circles. But introversion and social anxiety are not the same thing.
Introversion means your social battery drains more quickly and you enjoy time alone.
Social anxiety means you feel fear around social situations.
Many people convince themselves they simply “don’t like people” when the truth is they’ve trained themselves to avoid social situations for so long that they assume that’s just who they are.
But if those same people worked through their anxiety, they might actually discover they enjoy socializing more than they thought.
The first step in overcoming social anxiety is honest acceptance.
You have to be able to say:
“Yes, I feel afraid in social situations.”
There is nothing shameful about that. Everyone has fears. This just happens to be yours.
Once you acknowledge it, you can begin working with it instead of organizing your life around avoiding it.
2. Don’t Call Yourself Weird or Awkward
Another common habit is labeling yourself as weird or awkward.
People often say things like:
“I’m so awkward.”
“I’m just weird around people.”
“I always make things uncomfortable.”
But when you ask someone to explain exactly what makes them weird or awkward, they often struggle to give a clear answer.
That’s because awkwardness is usually a feeling, not an identity.
When you feel anxious in social situations, your body becomes tense. You might feel self-conscious, stiff, or unsure what to say. That internal discomfort gets interpreted as evidence that something is wrong with you.
But in many cases, the anxiety itself is causing the awkward behavior.
When you're constantly thinking:
Am I saying the right thing?
Am I interesting enough?
Am I talking too much?
Am I talking too little?
…it becomes very difficult to behave naturally.
The anxiety creates the stiffness, it’s not your personality.
Instead of saying “I am awkward,” try saying:
“I’m feeling uncomfortable right now.”
That simple shift reminds you that what you’re experiencing is temporary.
3. Don’t Use Alcohol or Drugs to Cope
Many people with social anxiety rely on alcohol to make social situations easier.
And to be fair, alcohol does reduce anxiety in the short term. That’s exactly why people use it.
The problem is that it interferes with real progress.
If you're working through social anxiety using exposure therapy (gradually facing the situations that make you anxious) you need to experience those situations while feeling the anxiety.
That’s how your brain learns that the situation is something you can actually handle.
If you numb the anxiety with alcohol or drugs, you cancel out the learning process. Your brain never gets the chance to build confidence.
There’s another risk too: dependence.
If you only feel comfortable socializing with alcohol in your system, you may start believing:
“I can’t socialize unless I’m drinking.”
That can easily become a habit that’s difficult to break, and in in worst case scenarios lead to serious alcohol use problems.
Alcohol can also lead to behaviors you regret, which can make social anxiety even worse the next day when you replay what happened.
If you're serious about overcoming social anxiety, it's best to avoid relying on substances to get through social situations.
4. Don’t Rush the Process
Social anxiety can make life feel very limited because almost everything we do involves other people.
Because of that, many people feel an intense urgency to fix it quickly.
But rushing the process can actually backfire.
Exposure therapy works best when it's gradual and realistic.
Social anxiety exists on a spectrum. For some people, the biggest challenge might be attending a party or meeting new people. For others, something as simple as going to the grocery store can feel overwhelming.
You have to meet yourself where you are.
If you're struggling with small talk at the checkout counter, then that’s where you start. Focus on those small interactions first before worrying about making friends or becoming the life of the party.
Sometimes the first step isn’t even talking.
It might simply be putting yourself in situations where people can see you.
For example:
Sitting in a more visible spot in class
Standing near people at a social event instead of hiding in the background
Spending time in public spaces instead of avoiding them
You don’t need to be perfect or impressive. You just need to get used to being around people and feeling the anxiety without escaping it.
5. Don’t Compare Yourself to Others
Comparison is especially painful when you have social anxiety.
You might look at other people and think:
“Why are they so confident?”
“Why can they talk so easily?”
“Why can’t I be like that?”
But comparisons are misleading.
Social media in particular only shows the highlights of people’s lives. You don’t see their insecurities, their struggles, or the parts of their life they keep private.
Everyone also has a completely different set of life experiences and biological factors.
Your personality, upbringing, genetics, and life circumstances all influence how you experience social situations.
It’s like a research project with thousands of variables. You can’t compare your results to someone else’s without understanding every variable that shaped their path.
Some people are naturally more outgoing. Others are naturally more reserved.
That doesn’t make anyone better or worse, it just means we all start from different places.
Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on your own progress.
6. Don’t Try to Be Perfect
Perfectionism is one of the biggest drivers of social anxiety.
When you’re socially anxious, you may feel like you have to:
say the perfect thing
act the perfect way
make the perfect impression
But perfection is impossible and the constant pressure to perform perfectly creates even more anxiety.
Ironically, one of the most important steps in overcoming social anxiety is learning to fail socially.
You have to allow yourself to:
say something awkward
tell a joke that doesn’t land
stumble over your words
Think of stand-up comedians. Even the best comedians bomb sometimes. It’s part of the process, but they keep going.
When you allow yourself to make mistakes without treating them as disasters, you begin loosening the grip that anxiety has on you.
Social interactions stop feeling like high-stakes performances, they become just another part of life.
7. Don’t Try to Be “Normal”
Many people with social anxiety say:
“I just want to be normal.”
It’s an understandable feeling. You want to fit in and be accepted.
But the idea of “being normal” creates enormous pressure.
When you say that to yourself, you're implying two things:
Something is wrong with you
You must behave like everyone else to be accepted
That mindset keeps you trapped in constant self-monitoring and evaluation.
Plus, confidence doesn’t come from blending in, It comes from being comfortable with who you are.
You don’t need to become identical to everyone else. In fact, the people we admire most are usually the ones who embrace their individuality.
Instead of trying to be normal, focus on accepting your quirks and imperfections.
A helpful exercise is doing things alone in public.
For someone with social anxiety, this can feel incredibly uncomfortable. You might worry that people will judge you for eating alone, going to a movie alone, or sitting by yourself in a café.
But in reality, doing those things often demonstrates confidence. You’re living your life without waiting for permission from others.
8. Don’t Avoid
Avoidance is the engine that keeps social anxiety alive.
Every time you avoid something you're afraid of, your brain learns:
“That situation must be dangerous.”
The fear grows stronger.
Avoidance isn’t just behavioral, it can happen in your thoughts too.
For example, if you have a thought like:
“What if people think I’m weird?”
Many people try to immediately argue with the thought.
They say:
“No one is judging me.”
“That won’t happen.”
But sometimes a better approach is acceptance.
Some people might judge you.
Some people might not like you.
And that’s okay.
When you accept that possibility instead of trying to eliminate it, the fear loses some of its power.
Think of it like dealing with a bully. If you constantly argue back, the bully knows they’ve found a sensitive spot. But if you shrug it off, they eventually lose interest.
The same thing happens with anxious thoughts.
Instead of fighting them, acknowledge them and keep moving forward.
Final Thoughts
Overcoming social anxiety isn’t about becoming fearless or perfectly confident.
It’s about gradually changing the habits that keep the anxiety alive.
That means:
acknowledging your anxiety instead of hiding it
letting go of harsh self-labels
avoiding substances as coping tools
taking small steps rather than rushing
resisting comparisons
accepting imperfection
embracing your individuality
and most importantly, not avoiding the situations that scare you
Progress takes time, patience, and often the support of a therapist.
But with consistent effort, you can learn to tolerate discomfort, loosen the grip of anxiety, and begin living the life you want.
And remember: people may judge you sometimes. But that doesn’t mean you have to let their opinions dictate how you live your life.
